Witty Quotes (Part 3)

“I have often wished I had time to cultivate modesty… But I am too busy thinking about myself.” – Edith Sitwell

“Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.” – Mark Twain

“If I only had a little humility, I’d be perfect.” – Ted Turner

“There are few nudities so objectionable as the naked truth.” – Agnes Repplier

“There are people I know who won’t hurt me. I call them corpses.” – Randy K. Milholland

“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.” – Francois de La Rochefoucauld

“Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.” – Oscar Wilde

“It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.” – George Bernard Shaw

“A good friend can tell you what is the matter with you in a minute. He may not seem such a good friend after telling.” – Arthur Brisbane

“There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.” – Oscar Levant

“We can’t all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.” – Will Rogers

Q: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? – A: A teacher

“If I had a dollar for every time someone made fun of me in high school-oh wait, I do!” – Bill Gates

“We are here on earth to do good for others. What the others are here for, I don’t know.” – W. H. Auden

“Even on the most exalted throne in the world we are only sitting on our own bottom.” – Michel de Montagne

“It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument.” – William G. McAdoo

“I assure you, an educated fool is more foolish than an uneducated one.” – Jean Baptiste Molière

How can you love God whom you have never seen, and hate your brother you see every day? Or is that why?

Join the army, meet people, make new friends… and kill them.

Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Contradiction in terms: civil war.

“Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go away.” – Philip K. Dick

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

“Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.” – Carl Gustav Jung

“Anyone who isn’t confused, really doesn’t understand the situation.” – Edward R. Murrow

If nobody is perfect, I must be nobody.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

“Trouble defies the law of gravity. It’s easier to pick up than to drop.” – Johathan Raban

“My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized that I had no character.” – Charles Barkley

“All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.” – Jane Wagner

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.

People who think they’re superior are exceedingly annoying to those of us who really are.

“People used to explore the dimensions of reality by taking LSD to make the world look weird. Now the world is weird and they take Prozac to make it look normal.” – Bangstrom

“By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher… and that is a good thing for any man.” – Socrates

“Enlightenment comes when your third eye is at one with your turd eye and you can see your own shit.” – Christopher Wynter

“The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.” – Winston Churchill

“Opinions are like feet. Everybody’s got a couple, and they usually stink.” – Jim Slattery

Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

A censor is someone who views pornography all day, but does not get corrupted even though he is certain you would be.

I got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Politicians & diapers both need to be changed, and for the same reason.

“Never believe anything in politics until it has been officially denied.” – Otto Von Bismark

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

I’d love to have a battle of wits with you… but I hate to fight the unarmed.

“A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.” – William James

“Many people would rather die than think; in fact, most do.” – Bertrand Russell

“Reality I can handle in small doses, but as a lifestyle, I find it a bit too confining.”  -Tony Prentiss

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

“An ounce of pretension is worth a pound of manure.” – Shelda Parsnip

“Any man who afflicts the human race with ideas must be prepared to see them misunderstood.” – H. L. Mencken

“You can’t be truly rude until you understand good manners.” – Rita Mae Brown

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