Witty Quotes (Part 1)

I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.

I don’t have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

My reality check bounced.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I don’t suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

Everyone’s entitled to be stupid but you are abusing the priviledge.

Im an angel! Honest! The horns are just there to keep the halo up straight!

No officer, there’s no blood in my alcohol system!

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?

Don’t let your mind wander – it’s far too small to be let out on its own.

“The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it.” – George Bernard Shaw

“A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well”

“I’m not shy; I’m studying my prey.”

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” – Winston Churchill

Sign in front of a repair shop: We Can Repair Anything. (Please Knock Hard On The Door – The Bell Doesn’t Work)

If you can keep your head while all about you are losing theirs, it is just possible you haven’t grasped the situation.

My mom always said men are like linoleum floors. If you lay them right, you can walk over them for 30 years.

“If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.” – Henry Youngman

“A positive attitude will not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.” – Herm Albright

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.” – Winston Churchill

“In the beginning, the world was created. This has been widely considered a bad move and made a lot of people angry.”

I’m really sorry… I just ran over your dogma with my karma.

“The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money.” – David Richerby

“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.” – W. C. Fields

“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.” – Bill Watterson

“The height of cleverness is to be able to conceal it.” – Francois de La Rochefoucauld

“No one has a finer command of language than the person who keeps his mouth shut.” – Sam Rayburn

“When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.” – Mark Twain

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying when I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

“I should really like to think there’s something wrong with me… because, if there isn’t then there’s something wrong, or at least, very different from what it seemed to be, with the world itself… and that’s much more frightening!” – T.S.Eliot

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